how to exercise your calf muscles
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I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.