Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Just me?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
iPhone X
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.