“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
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(2022)
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
HELP 😭
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.