This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
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You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.