today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
the #horror is real!
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from