I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend