Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
*updates tinder bio*
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.