A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
This a good idea
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.