Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
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I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar