“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
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I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.