Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
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My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.