*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.