When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
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I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.