You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
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*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
my favorite genre of twitter
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Money is the root of all wealth
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”