When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
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*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Just ordered me some pizza!
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war