My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
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I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.