Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.