me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
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[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone