how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
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my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.