Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
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My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
men are simple creatures
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me