I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
unbelievably distressed by this ad
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer