doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
There’s only one good girl here!
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.