[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Finally a use for spoilers…
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”