What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad: