“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead