If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]