Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
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“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
also my go-to takeaway order
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I have never related to a cat more
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.