My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry