My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
lol
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.