My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
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Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell