Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?