I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
You Might Also Like
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.