Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.