My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*