Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
no cat here
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”