Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
yes… yes…