[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
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😅🤣😂
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song