it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.