Good man! π¦π»π‘πͺπ
You Might Also Like
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing cluβ
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: β¦
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
guys in LA in their 30s are like βi love going camping, i love sleeping outside.β and itβs like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Just grow your own
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Iβm sorry I said yes when you asked if Iβm a people person, I thought you said pizza.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: youβre on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I donβt have a boyfriend. βΉοΈβΉοΈ
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: βAre you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, itβs movingβ¦ o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-nβ¦β
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he βwas GOING to doβ
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. π
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I am interested in:
βͺοΈ men
βͺοΈ women
π making peace with the terror of being alive