I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
You Might Also Like
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
twitter is a journey
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.