Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
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Personal question. #JustSaying
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
me irl
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.