If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
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[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.