You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Basically.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
How to draw a duck
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome