Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
courtroom exchange of the day
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.