[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.