Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
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I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.