when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
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There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
just having fun
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…