The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
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I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
tell em, edith-anne
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
🙂🙃🥹
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.