[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
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My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
that colleague who touches your screen
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”