Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
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Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.